How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
