Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
