alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
