I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
