The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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