I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
