Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
