Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
