Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
