I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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