My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
