Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
