So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
