I'm sorry my penis didn't work
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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