so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Sorry about my life...
Randomize
