did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
