I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
