I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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