I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
