the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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