no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
