Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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