After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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