This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
