whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
