everyone is single if you try hard enough
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I need a burrito and a hug.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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