i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
