Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
