I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
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