Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
