I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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