i wish my penis had a tongue
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
