What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
