i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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