Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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