im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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