Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
