I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
