Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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