OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Sorry about my life...
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
