Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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