i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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