checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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