Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
