I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
