between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
