I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
