i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize