Have you finally orgasmed yet?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
