dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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