you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
