At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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