I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize