i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
and i looked up. we had an audience...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize