My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
