two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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