when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
