were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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