man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
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