so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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